


Official Problems

by Crazythatcounts



Category: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name
Genre: Alchemy, Gen, Magic, hinabn - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 21:37:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/753358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazythatcounts/pseuds/Crazythatcounts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanna gets a strange new case at one in the morning, so it's time to investigate!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Official Problems

"I don't think this is going to work very well, Hanna…"

He had a right to be worried. It wasn't every day that a baby chimera wandered into the local law office and trashed the place. Though, the zombie really couldn't say wandered was the word. And it wasn't every day that Hanna tried to separate the chimera with runes drawn on a desk he was currently positioned to shove through the door and into the room. It also wasn't every day that he found himself _helping_ this escapade into being simply because he didn't have much more of a better option.

…This lovely tale would probably be easier told from the beginning. Let's do that, shall we?

~*~

_CLACK-THACK-CLACK._

The sound was almost like nails on wood. Or, rings on wood. Either way, the sound was urgent and loud, ringing around apartment 306 at roughly one in the morning. Hanna burbled something at his pillow and rolled over onto his back, stretching his arms at the wall until they collided with wall with a satisfying _thunk_. He'd been sleeping soundly, the first time he'd been to _bed_ that early in weeks, and part of him refused to wake up. Specifically, his legs, so that when he moved for the door to open it, he fell onto the mattress. The zombie, seeing this calamity, stood with a resigned shake of his head and stepped the two feet to the door, pulling it open.

The woman outside seemed impatient and worried enough as it were, so when she thrust Hanna's card at the green undead fast enough to have possibly slit his throat, he simply took it without a word. He probably would have taken it without a word anyway, but still the point stands. 

"I'm looking for her." Impatience and a sense of foreboding urgency dripped from her voice like acid on a hardwood floor, hissing a little on the final syllables. "I've got a problem and it needs to be solved." The woman proceeded to bustled her way in without invitation, wet from the downpour that the zombie only then noticed out the window as he dodged the water dripping from her. "Where is she?" The woman looked around, confused, for she spotted no woman to address. Just a boy on the floor.

"Hi!" Hanna greeted cheerily from his place on the mattress, in the middle of trying to pull on jeans with sheets still wrapped tightly around his midsection. Having woken his legs, he was now trying to dress because, the lady was rather pretty and he didn't want her seeing him running around in a tattered t-shirt and dinosaur boxers. "Hold on justtttt a moment, gotta get some pants on." Here, he laughed, which only sent the sharp-nosed woman's face into a mask of disgust.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me." She murmured, in a way that knew they weren't kidding but wishing they were.

"Nope!" Hanna buttoned the pants without injury and stood, brushing his hands off on the jeans before sticking one out for a handshake. There was a moment when nothing happened, and then Hanna drew his hand back with a sheepish grimace, stuffing the apparently offending limb in his pocket. "Yeahhh, I'm Hanna. You said you needed help?" With this statement, Hanna's mood resumed its usual blinding brightness, complete with fuzzy morning (and all day) hair and slightly skewed glasses. The second he proceeded to fix with a grin on his face.

"I-uh-yes." The woman stumbled, a little caught off guard. Who expects to find a man named Hanna that looks like a boy and wears dinosaurs on his boxers? She certainly didn't, but she managed to recover from it quickly and straightened her tweed pea-coat, clearing her throat from the awkwardness of it all. "I have a… uh, _paranormal problem_." She whispered the last two words, as though she were talking about sensitive and personal subjects with her doctor instead of mentioning that there's something spooky going on. Hanna grinned broadly.

"Well, I'm your man! What kinda problem do you have? Infestation? Ghosts? Unwelcome guests?" Hanna spouted, leaning in close enough to earn a hand on his shoulder to stop him. Either that, or the zombie was mildly concerned about the word ghost, but if he was, Hanna didn't seem to notice. The woman did notice the hand, however, but ignored it because her problem was the foremost important thing there.

"Well, the last one. We have a… _creature_ running about the office, and it won't let anyone in the building. Most of the building wants to believe it's a rabid pet, but the animal control dismissed the claim and won't try and catch it." The woman explained. For some reason, explaining the facts to someone who would actually understand and not dismiss her as crazy right out gave the woman enough comfort to let down her impatient shield. Underneath, she was terribly, terribly desperate to get this over and done with. She didn't understand that her desperation made Hanna ramble on more.

"Ooo, what kind of creature? A werepuppy? Or is it bigger? Is it hugeeee? Oh man that'd be fun if it was huge or something! Oh, oh hey, is it a vampire bat, 'cause I totally have a connection to help get the vampire out if it's—"

" _Hanna_ , I don't think Conrad would enjoy getting dragged along on another case." The zombie softly insisted, hand on Hanna's shoulder growing a little heavier. Hanna was about to retort that Conrad was their friend and he'd help because he was a good guy like that, the woman spoke again.

"It's not a vampire." The woman frowned deeply, an air of I-know-what-I'm-talking-about-and-it's-not-that in her voice. "They couldn't get in without being invited in the first place, and second, they at least have the decency of showing up with a little humanity. It's something else, probably a wayward corporeal beast-creature, but certainly nothing sentient. "

The wide eyed, gape mouth, surprised grin and intake of breath from Hanna was enough to make the woman continue on talking. It would be embarrassing to linger in silence because this woman knew more about the paranormal than she let on and yet she still went to a man-boy for help. Embarrassing and awkward.

"I, uh, our law office has a tiny department of _special customers_ , if you understand what I mean." She smiled, the first of the day, but it was a grimace with upturned edges so it really didn't count. "We tend to settle property disputes most of the time – vampires and humans, sometimes ghosts and people. Who gets claim on the house considering the dead don't own the property anymore and the living won't just up and leave. We also have the occasional restraining order and other forms of legal protection suits filed." The woman paused for a moment, thinking of how to continue explaining her lovely line of business with the paranormal. Bad plan.

The _gnee_ of delight could have probably shattered a water glass at ten paces. It most certainly made everyone in the room scrunch their faces in auditory pain.

"Ohmygod wow you guys _actually_ do law stuff for the paranormal? Oh man that's so cool it's like the _Ghostbusters_ but better 'cause you're not exterminating anyone!" Hanna cheered. "Do you ever get realllly weird cases with like werewolves or-or witch hunts or—" The ramble was cut off by the woman, who had recovered from the high-pitched noise and decided it was a really good idea to keep Hanna from talking more.

"Yes, but we have a problem. He… I think he came in to find help." The woman stopped because her voice had started wavering and she needed to make it stop before she continued. "He's just a baby, but I can't tell what he is. None of us can get close enough to make anything out. He's…. very upset. Angry. He barricaded himself in my office, crying for something but we can't understand him, and when we try and get inside to help he lashes out. "

"Well, then, what're we waiting for? He's in trouble, he might even be in pain. C'mon!" Hanna went straight for the door, no hesitation because there was a thing that needed him and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to waste time chit-chatting. He flung the door open hard enough to bang against the wall, and forgot to close it as he raced down the hallway, leaving the zombie and the woman following at a more leisurely pace.

"Ma'am, I think I should—" The zombie started as they trotted together down the rickety stairs. A raised hand and a soft smile stopped him.

"Don't apologize. He's actually quite… refreshing. The dead get a little dull after a while. No offense." Here, she grinned, exiting into the dark night and pulling her coat closer against the cold.

"None taken."

They walked in silence for a good twenty minutes, Hanna occasionally waiting up to get directions before darting forward again, speeding around corners very fast for a man who just woke up. Eventually, the zombie spoke, breaking the still of the night.

"Why do you have a law practice for the paranormal?" He asked, just as they were catching up to Hanna again. The question kept the redhead close, since he certainly wanted to hear the answer as well.

"Well… a lot of hauntings and activity are misunderstandings. Ghosts haunt humans because they either want to say something to their loved ones, or they're protective of belongings and property. Attacks from paranormal beasts are usually territorial disputes. I've had witches suing their husbands for misuse of their magic, or provoking a witch hunt. There are a lot of things that can be settled with a good talk and a couple of papers promising they will never do it again. It keeps people from getting hurt."

"Oh man, that's really cool. Heyyy, you think we can have like an association or something, 'cause I'm totally the type for talking over stuff and if you get a case that you can't fix you can pass it onto me and if I get something you might be able to use I can pass it onto you and we can be like business partners only better!" Hanna skipped while walking backwards, leading to falling while walking backwards, so by the time he was up on his feet again, the woman was nodding and trying to hold in laughter. Hanna felt his face heat up at the thought of embarrassing himself in front of a lady, but it took only a moment to realize the giggles weren't mocking him. Then his face went red for entirely different reasons.

"Of course. We're always looking for good mediators to help out. I'll give you my card when we get to my office, how does that sound?" The woman and Hanna shared a grin. "I've got to admit we don't earn much, since only one party pays and it's not a lot, but it's better than nothing. Oh, I have to pay you at some point, too." The woman sighed with a smile. "We can discuss that later, though, since that's the building."

She pointed to a short, glass walled building with gargoyles perched on the roof and thick wood doors. "We're in the basement – less sunlight."

Hanna didn't hear her explanation; he was already bolting for the heavy doors.

~*~

After heading down the wrong stairs, getting lost, returning upstairs and finding the woman waiting to take them to the right part of the basement, they finally found what had been referred to as 'Ground Zero'.

Papers littered the floor, some clawed to pieces, others just brushed away from where they should have been. The glass door to the office was cracked and smudged. Ink dripped from a desk with a soft sound. On the other side of the office door, a four legged shape moved in the dark room. Hanna tiptoed to the door and peered inside, face widening in a mask of surprise.

Inside was a chimera. Not in the sense of a general chimera – lion head, lizard tail chimera. This was a chimera by the genetic and mythological sense. This meant that someone had combined at least two animals to create one. Hanna squinted, pointing at the figure, and he counted four separate species in the poor thing. It had the head and front torso of a brown wolf, just reaching adolescence, the forelegs of a young tawny lion, the hindquarters of a deer, fawn spots still barely visible, and the tail of what Hanna had to assume was a lizard, though the resemblance to a dinosaur was too uncanny.

"What is it?" The obvious question came from behind Hanna, where the woman was waiting.

"It's a chimera. _Oh man oh man_ I haven't ever seen a chimera like this. Most chimeras are mixtures of two, 'cause they're born like that and you've gotta have a mom and a dad, but this guy looks patchwork." Hanna pressed his hands against the glass, nose smudging the clean glass slightly. "I'm gonna go in there and see if I can get my hands on him so I can calm him down."

He didn't see the protesting faces, or the hand that shot out to stop him. He was already inside the room, moving slowly, marker out. He took a step in, and the chimera froze, turning to face him. A tense moment passed where nothing moved, the dark feral eyes matching Hanna's gaze. Hanna suddenly frowned, reading something there, and the chimera took that second to lunge.

Hanna dove to the side and reached out, getting a hand in the soft fur of the chimera's neck. Something hissed, the chimera howled in agony, and Hanna snapped his hand away, cradling it close. There was a grin on his face, laced with pain.

"Ohman _shittttt_ this is so not cool." Hanna said, blowing on his hand. It was scalded over, red and white skin, burned.

"Hanna, are you alright?" The zombie asked, trotting over to the window by where Hanna sat.

"Ohyeah totally gonna be fine Dijourno. Just a little burnt. My magic and alchemy don't mix that well." Hanna laughed.

"Alchemy?!" The woman dashed over as well, eyes straying to the chimera, which was in the process of licking its neck where Hanna touched it.

"Yeah. Someone used alchemy to fuse him together. No wonder he's here, he's probably in a ton of pain and wants to sue the guy who did this to him." Hanna stood, pulling his shirtsleeve down to protect the sensitive burn. "Anddddd I can't touch him to help undo him. We gotta think of something else." With this, Hanna went for the door, exiting the room without provoking the chimera any more.

"What're we going to do?"

"I've got an idea…"

~*~

"I don't think this is going to work very well, Hanna…"

"Don't worry, Augustus, it'll be fine!" Hanna said, drawing complex runes on the office desk with his left hand. They were squiggly and weird but he went slow enough that they formed the shapes they needed to. The desk was positioned in front of the door to the room where the chimera watched them nervously. "This'll separate him AND knock him out so he won't feel it or anything or try and kill his other parts when they're all separate just make sure to stay out of the room, okay?" Hanna turned to his friend, a genuinely worried smile on his face. "I don't know what it'd do to you if you were in the way."

The zombie smiled and put a hand on Hanna's shoulder. "You be careful, Hanna."

"'Course I will! Nothing can go wrong." Hanna grinned, and after pocketing his marker, shoved the desk through the door and into the room. The rune activated almost instantly, filling the room with a blinding white light and blowing the glass windows out, forcing the zombie and their client to rush to the back of the other office. An inhuman roar filled the space, along with a loud, bone chilling cry of sheer, unadulterated pain and a high pitched ringing that grew in intensity with the white heat radiating from the room.

The zombie started for what was left of the room as soon as the light began to fade, crunching over broken glass and shards of wood. Across the rubble lay the various animals the chimera had been before – at least the rune worked – and with them lay Hanna. He tried to sit up, propping himself up on his elbows, limbs shaking and sweat rolling down his face.

"Hey, Tolentino." Hanna had a weak smile on his face. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. Will you be alright?" The zombie asked, kneeling by the redhead and picking glass from his hair.

"Yeah. Kinda forgot I shouldn't've been in here either. Heh, Worth is gonna kill me." Hanna chuckled softly, eyes drifting closed. The zombie lifted the redhead into his arms – light, too, too light – and carried him out of the office. Past the client – after getting a number to contact her at for anything else, she was calling Animal Control – up the stairs, into the crisp, cold night, down the street to the dingiest backalley Doctor imaginable.

The zombie sighed, letting his cold, dead fingers lightly stroke Hanna's hair. He didn't know why he was still semi-surprised. Hanna was alive, and that was alright enough, wasn't it? It certainly was enough for Hanna.


End file.
